We are all in relationship. We are even in relationship with ourselves. The relationship with the self is very important. Think on that for a moment. Let’s check in and ask ourselves, “How is my relationship with myself?” “In what manner do I talk to myself?” “Do I say nice things to myself?” “When was the last time I complimented myself or told myself how nice I am?” “Do I feel that I look good?” “Do I think I am smart?” “Do I perceive myself to be a nice person?” Please, really, stop right now. Let us all stop and really answer these questions and get to know ourselves better. There are many more of these types of questions to ask ourselves.

We become more aware of the answers to these questions by the mirrors that reflect back to us in the people with whom we interact. Our co-workers, supervisors, spouses, significant others, family, friends, children, and a variety of people with whom we interact provide us a mirror into ourselves. As we think, so we are. The being of the self is constantly being reflected back to us by everyone that we come into contact with. Wow! That sure puts everything back on us and working on our stuff.

The stuff we often need to work on is ego associated. In being human, we have the ego. The ego is the part of the “You’re So Vain” song that leads us to think that the way people act towards us is all about us. Well, sometimes actions of others are all about us and then again, maybe not. On one hand, if someone treats us with disrespect or in a condescending manner, often it’s not about us at all. It is often a defense mechanism that person has in order to have the self-confidence to communicate. It is their personal issues coming up that causes them to act that way. On the other hand, their behavior is a gift to provide us an opportunity to learn to discern or establish boundaries. We allow or enable behavior or NOT!

Here is an example from a work setting. Let’s say our manager has to tell us to do something, correct something we’ve done (maybe it’s something he/she perceives we should already know or have been told about many times) and communicates it in a condescending or harsh manner. Of course, our ego will take that personally and feel badly because of the manner in which it was communicated. But, do we ever stop and think of the inordinate amount of pressure and degree of self-esteem/confidence a manager has to have to have the courage to correct employees? Do we have any idea what might be going on in their life? Do we ever stop to realize that maybe that manager is frustrated because they perceive that you could be more self-motivated or you already know whatever it is? Do we recognize their personality type and accept them for who they are and stop taking everything so personally?

In the being part of the human being, we get to work on transcending the ego and have realizations of self, as well as realizations of self in relation to others. So, let us take a look at what kind of interactions we are manifesting in our surroundings. This is where it does come back to us. This is the part where it really is all about us - the being part of us. Do we know how to set boundaries with others? Do we know how to express our feelings to another? Do we enable behaviors to continue or do we stop them in their tracks? We are solely responsible for the manner in which we act, think and receive information. If you are in a relationship with someone and they speak harshly to you, if you don’t tell them it bothers you and it continues on, then that’s your issue, not theirs. We must communicate with our fellow man. We must have the courage to say something to prevent further inappropriate communication from happening if it bothers us.

Then we have the word but. But if I say anything I will get fired. But if I tell my friend they are rude, they will be mad at me. But if I speak my truth, they won’t like me anymore. Here is a suggestion: start by asking that person if something is bothering them, if we perceive they spoke harshly to us. Example, “Is something bothering you?” They will probably say, “No, why?” “Oh, because I perceived an edge in your voice when you just said that to me, I thought maybe there might be something going on that might be upsetting you.” or “Wow, that was intense, are you ok?” Amazingly, this often diffuses the situation. Because it’s not always about us, provide an avenue for some dialogue. We must be open though to hear that what might be bothering them does involve us. Try it sometime and allow relationships to deepen.

Or get the courage to step up and tell someone that they are speaking to you in a manner that has a tendency to hurt your feelings. Once someone is aware that they are doing that, if they want to improve their relations with the world, they will do something about it and often even apologize. We must also take a look at ourselves to observe if we are too sensitive, don’t take criticism well, take everything personally or are defensive because that person may actually be right.

There is a way to communicate this. Do not point any fingers, literally and metaphorically. When we point fingers, there are four fingers pointing back at us.

Communications within relationships are the key to good relations and honoring of oneself. Communicating our feelings while staying focused on our heart relieves some of the intensity of the delivery as well as the reception. We must remember to do our inner work which may involve having a conversation with oneself. Working through and looking at issues, hurt feelings and communication challenges help us to grow up spiritually, mentally and emotionally. We may as well do the work, because that’s why we chose to come to Planet Earth.

May we all have the courage we need to speak our truth. May we all speak our truth with gentleness, compassion and kindness. May we all keep in mind how our words affect others regardless of our station in life. May we all remember that we are equal and that we are One. Mitake Oyasin.

Blessings,